Saturday, October 08, 2005
Summation
So as you can tell, I've had a pretty fucking horrible week.
I think this is the first time that I've ever actually lashed out in my journal. Considering that it's super late on Friday night and I'm "super" drunk, I've decided to address this issue.
Listen y'all...there are many sides to Joe CuttheShit. Usually in my journal I'm the guy who's cracking jokes or lamenting my life, but you've never seen me angry. With everything that I had going on in my personal life this week, I figured I'd test this journal to see how honest and open I could be.
Test your own journal? That makes no sense!
But yes it does.
My readership has been around forever and they expect a certain kind of Joe. But when it comes down to it, there is a side to me that only my true friends have seen. A side to me that truly IS depressed and angry. A side to me that is lonely and frustrated. A side to me that wants to give up.
This week I felt as though I was losing everyone important to me. There wasn't a moment when I didn't doubt every friendship in my inner circle. Ari? Doubted it. Kelly, doubted it. Rita? Doubted it. Mariah...fucking doubted it. I was so scared of losing everyone that I doubted everyone. Everyone everyone.
Want to know why I doubted everyone?
Because I'm scared. I'm scared to be me and I'm scared to move forward.
As I've mentioned, I've broken up with my boyfriend and it's left me feeling incredibly vulnerable. 5 and a half years everyone. I can't even explain how devastating it all is.
But I can tell you that my tears express themselves through yelling. It's much easier for me to scream than it is for me to cry. I've had enough of the crying.
A year ago I said that I was going to close this journal and start one where I could be myself.
Well guess what?
I've decided not to start a new journal. I've decided to start this journal over. It's time for me to be an asshole. It's time for me to be honest. It's TIME for me to be who Joe really is.
All I can hope is that those of you who were offended by me this week will try to understand where I'm coming from. And most importantly, I hope that each and every one of you will make the effort to get to know this aspect of my personality.
It's not all good looks and funny jokes.
When I say that I'm sad...I'm not fucking kidding. When I say that I'm angry...again, I'm not kidding.
This journal has taken a detour.
You going to follow me on this journey?
Or has it been about you all along?
So as you can tell, I've had a pretty fucking horrible week.
I think this is the first time that I've ever actually lashed out in my journal. Considering that it's super late on Friday night and I'm "super" drunk, I've decided to address this issue.
Listen y'all...there are many sides to Joe CuttheShit. Usually in my journal I'm the guy who's cracking jokes or lamenting my life, but you've never seen me angry. With everything that I had going on in my personal life this week, I figured I'd test this journal to see how honest and open I could be.
Test your own journal? That makes no sense!
But yes it does.
My readership has been around forever and they expect a certain kind of Joe. But when it comes down to it, there is a side to me that only my true friends have seen. A side to me that truly IS depressed and angry. A side to me that is lonely and frustrated. A side to me that wants to give up.
This week I felt as though I was losing everyone important to me. There wasn't a moment when I didn't doubt every friendship in my inner circle. Ari? Doubted it. Kelly, doubted it. Rita? Doubted it. Mariah...fucking doubted it. I was so scared of losing everyone that I doubted everyone. Everyone everyone.
Want to know why I doubted everyone?
Because I'm scared. I'm scared to be me and I'm scared to move forward.
As I've mentioned, I've broken up with my boyfriend and it's left me feeling incredibly vulnerable. 5 and a half years everyone. I can't even explain how devastating it all is.
But I can tell you that my tears express themselves through yelling. It's much easier for me to scream than it is for me to cry. I've had enough of the crying.
A year ago I said that I was going to close this journal and start one where I could be myself.
Well guess what?
I've decided not to start a new journal. I've decided to start this journal over. It's time for me to be an asshole. It's time for me to be honest. It's TIME for me to be who Joe really is.
All I can hope is that those of you who were offended by me this week will try to understand where I'm coming from. And most importantly, I hope that each and every one of you will make the effort to get to know this aspect of my personality.
It's not all good looks and funny jokes.
When I say that I'm sad...I'm not fucking kidding. When I say that I'm angry...again, I'm not kidding.
This journal has taken a detour.
You going to follow me on this journey?
Or has it been about you all along?
